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Tuesday, 5 January 2021

I See You Black Dog

 I see you.  I remember you.

We have danced this dance so many times that by now, we should be old friends.  Companions.  Lovers.  But we are not.  I know you for what you are.

You circle around me, a wolf hunting his prey.  I don't actually see you.  I never do.  But I feel the hairs rise on my arms when you are around.  I feel your breath as you make your circle around me.  I hear the growl that emanates from you as you sense the first glistening of weakness from me.

You lurk in the shadows, waiting to pounce.  Biding your time. 


In my early twenties you almost killed me.  You consumed me.  Nearly whole.  Yet, something deep inside me fought back.  I could not see it then, black dog from hell, but even that speck of the fragment of me that was left, won.  A splinter of what is me destroyed you back then.  That is what gives me hope now and through all these days.

You have tried many times since then and have never come so close again.  Until lockdown one.  A surprise attack I was not ready for.  When times were uncertain, when my world had changed.  

The thoughts of death that you had made so seductive so many years ago drifted past me, its smell that same intoxicating scent.  But this time, I had weapons.  I had a buoy, riding with me in the waves of the pain that I felt, that would not allow me to sink.  A person.  Who saw that there was strength within me when I had forgotten.  Someone who kept my head above water.

As quickly as you attacked, you disappeared again.  The damage you left was not as great as before, but you left your mark.  You always do.  This time invisible to the naked eye.  You left fear.  Would you be third time lucky next time?

You smelt my fear again didn't you.  I felt you outside my window when the national lockdown was announced again.  An evil, toothy smile on your lips as panic in my soul set in.  I feel your breath on me now.

But today, now, there is a difference.  I feel you.  Waiting to consume me the minute I let my guard down.  

But black dog, I am stronger than you.  There is the buoy once again beside me, even stronger this time.  It draws me, he draws me, closer than you ever have.  Because we together have a weapon that is indestructible.  Love.  Real, pure love.  

Love alone cannot defeat you.  I am wise to your tricks now and all of your games.  You cannot convince me now that I am not good enough because I know that I am.  Not because I am loved, but because I know, in my heart, that I am worthy of love.

And that is all the difference.

I am enough.  You will never again drag me down to the pits of hell to feel the flames.  You will try, but not succeed in enticing me to thrown myself within them.  Because I do not just have love.  I have more than feeling that finally, I know I am good enough.

In the end, what will defeat you once again, this time, before you take a good grip of my heart, is that speck.  The speck of me that fought you so long ago.  That speck of my soul that said no.  That tiny  minuscule thing that was stronger than you and all of your armies of hell.

If a thing so lost, so broken, so utterly in despair can defeat you; black dog, you are no match for me now.  The battle is already lost for you.

I will let you have my dark days, you can luxuriate in my sadness if you wish in those times.  But know, you have false hope.  Because like a phoenix, I will once again rise from the ashes and burn so bright, like a thousand suns.  You will run from me well before you think I may fall.

I feel fear, but I do not fear you.  Maybe it is time, black dog, that we bought you a collar.  Because you no longer roam free in my mind.